Very often, the pain that comes after a split roots from more than just the thought of not having the person in your life anymore. However amicable the end was, the hurt is going to stay for a while and as much as I try to be civil and levelheaded, I go full-fledged emotional under varying circumstances, with or without alcohol. It was impossible for me to see him as a platonic friend with zero wayward expectations, for now.
Sometimes I turned so bitter knowing that I did not try hard enough and because of me being so chronically psychotic, I lost the opportunity to actually develop something, anything with the person I really liked. Times outside the aforementioned sometimes, my mental strength just hit the lowest possible ebb where I get trapped in the perpetuating vortex of doubting my self worth and lovability. The rest of the seconds that slipped away from the two biggest portions of my conscious time is spent trying to replace the (lack of) beautiful memories with hatred and anger. If being selfish and victimising myself (in my head) is the way to recovery, then that'll be the route I am taking.
I am emaciated, mentally.
BRB, taking a minute to mock myself for the grief i am going through despite the short duration.
Allow another minute for me to detach emotions from my conscious mind.