Conversation starters for a newcomer in the office, 'So, what are
you going to do for Christmas?" or "Are you going anywhere this
holiday?" put things into perspective once again. I found these two
recurring questions really difficult to answer and at the same time,
deal-breaking, when I realised I travelled for my past three birthdays. This, I
am just really happy to get a full day off from work, and to be seated churning
out this chunky junk.
Now that we are on the brink of December – the concluding month of
the calendar year and debatably the new beginnings in some aspects – I’ve spent
noticeable amount of time flipping through my not-so-little Red Book (no, I am
not a communist) and reflecting on the past 12 months.
Hitting the societal milestone of adulthood was rather
nerve-wrecking yet plain. My 21st year started long ago – on a
freezing train ride from Sapa to Hanoi, waking up in the middle of the night
and sharing my last Milo Bar with Ping before going back to our wintry slumber.
The days are long but the year is fast. This 21st year
has been a paradoxical journey and I am thankful to experience both sides of
the coin in many instances – going through the motions of my daily routine
mindlessly while bitterly fighting and working towards the intricacies of life
that I now call achievements.
I promised to work hard for Honours right after getting my result
slip in Hanoi but saw myself bailing out on school and now on my second
internship since Leave of Absence (LOA) I took during summer. I made Vietnamese
Spring Rolls and had Eel Noodles with my Couch Host last birthday but here I am
now, rooted in Singapore, literally.
But it doesn’t matter what circumstances I am put in or the
predicament that I find myself in sometimes, I learned to live in and for the
moment. They are the negligible happenings that define me as a person; that
moulded my 2014.
Being really annoyed at the snoozeable alarms and grumpy with the
cold water before I prepare for school and work. Hating every single lecture and
going to school just for my German classes. Thankful that mama wakes up every
morning to make sure I am fed before my day starts and being so ever supportive
even though I mock her for Candy Crush. Not seeing Dad for days if I come home
too late because he’s just too busy providing for us. Meeting and leaving the
greatest heartache of my life during my backpacking trip and labelling him as
the favourite blob of blonde mess to cutting his existence out of my life
entirely. Constantly in a desperate, occasionally audacious, attempt to pack my
bags and leave for an adventure. Overly obsessed with working out and getting a
toned body because that is the way I love myself. Judging people who play with
Tinder and getting too serious about it myself; and at certain point wanted to
be an ambassador. Wow, how do I go on?
It’s a year I’ve known a distinct degree of heartbreaks,
devastations, appreciation, and grown through them. Glad, nonetheless, no less.
The most significant change in 2014 would be LOA. 2 years back, I
started my degree in NUS with a bad foot in and have never liked school since.
But I was lucky enough to be doing something I really liked – History – though
often than not, I do roll my eyes really hard at substance-less questions like,
“Gonna go into teaching or work at a museum?”
17 years into Singapore’s education, my dislike for the system
only aggravated as I gained further knowledge (of it). I felt more than just
physically and mentally sapped from the stale and meaningless pursuit in academics.
LOA is one of the best decisions I’ve made and one that has taught me so much
thus far. I explored the opportunities in the oxymoronic enjoyable corporate
world; how it doesn’t have to deskbound in suit and tie.
And because I did not conform to the paper chase, I’ve found a
pre-career that aligns with my interests.
I went through a corporate rollercoaster in terms of sideway
progression and management understanding. I ventured into lifestyle “blogging”
to freelancing, and back to lifestyle “writing”. Despite the transient 7 months
of attending events, dealing with a bitch-of-a-boss, working from anywhere at
anytime, and under the best management, there is only one line I will take.
“Compromise but do not settle.”
Because of the parallel between my work and interest, travelling
that is, I have had met many like-minded inspirations along the way and it’s
just so rewarding; definitely not something that would’ve happened should I
stay rooted in school for another energy-sapping semester. (Disclaimer, as much
as I shame school, I do admire and respect people who pull through and are
already on their way to graduation.)
From work travel with colleagues, leisure traveling with friends
to solo wandering, I’ve come to accept that travelling is not about ticking off
bucket list. For me at least, it has become a lifestyle. The moments where I
push myself out of comfort zones and conquer fears are when I learn the most.
In my most recent Lombok-Sumbawa trip, I saw myself waddling through the beauty
of the endless blue hues and in awe with the undisturbed part of the world. I
had the chance to snorkel through the raw beauty of corals and be close to the
subtle empowerment of the blue starfishes and neon creatures. I befriended
living inspirations and everyone had a backstory. They made everything seemed
possible and concretised my thought of living in the moment; that now is the
only right time to start living.
The lack of love dictates your life as much as one filled with. It
has been a tumultuous year with regards to matters of the heart. Many have seen
me crumble and fleeting to dating apps to get over. But outside these tangible
grieving moments, I was soiling my bed with thoughts of betrayal and a very
bruised ego.
I came to a conclusion that love is a game for the brave souls. I
am taking back my presumed statement that relationships are for needy people
because they are merely lonely. It’s not. It’s putting yourself out there at
the expense of having your feelings trampled with. A mission I am not capable
of.
I continue to cling on to self-doubt as I emptied myself out in
pieces. On the way, I met a few lovely people, which morphed me into yet
another mould when put back together. I finally found peace, (still) seeking
closure, and giving myself another chance.
Relationship to me now, is just like gardening. Very much
voluntary and illusive where you know everything is just temporary. My heart is
insecure and to be robbed off the power of vulnerability once again is just impossible. Because
I am egoistic; I am scared. I will stay trapped in the vicious vortex of being
vulnerably powerful. (Power of
vulnerability; because it is courageous to expose yourself to another.)
WOW. When you are going through 365 days, you can’t really
see around them, you cannot get a physical measure of it. It was impossible to
see how such long days and months, so miraculous and unfathomable, can actually
fit into one penned out post; in such a concise manner yet so lacking.
Now fuck out, time for a new year.
Happy Birthday, obnoxiously narcissistic self.
 |
| Birthday dinner @ Masons with lovely family <3 |
